I Thought I Wasn’t Loved
Rolake Akinsola shares her God Experience:
I was born into an Anglican Family. My folks were consistent Church-goers in my opinion. Things were pretty strict at home and my Mum was the typical Yoruba disciplinarian (in short: No Nonsense). My Mum was the type that didn’t mind slapping you at the Church entrance if you were late (you dare not “Omo Deaconess”). My Dad was my hero and it was an open secret that I was his favourite. My brothers were not bothered as Mum would always get back at me on their behalf. She’d have me do all the chores while they lazed around doing nothing (annoying right?). As much as I was the eldest, she ensured I was always in service to my brothers and as a child it was quite disheartening. Growing up, the only movies we were allowed to see were Sound Of Music and my Parents’ wedding video. Anything outside those two was Doughnut Man (I’m sure some of you can relate).
One lovely afternoon My Aunt and I were watching my Parents’ wedding video and out of curiosity I asked why my Mum had a protruded belly. Till today, I’ll never know if her response was innocent or otherwise but her words were going to set the course of my life on a different path. My Aunt said “Your Mum was pregnant with you at the time; in fact that’s why they got married. Don’t you know you were a mistake?” All I could think of at the time was that I was the only reason my parents were together and I had to do all in my power to make them happy so they could stay together. My aunt had dropped a bombshell and she didn’t even realize it. (Who says stuff like that to a child?). From that point, I did house chores without complaints and went out of my way to please my folks. Dad was easy to please but my Mum was constantly condemning me.
I got into secondary school and found Christ. It was pretty exciting at first and I felt God was going to help me please my Mum. My grades significantly improved and for the first time ever I came 4th position in my class (Before then I had never even been in the top 10). Gladly, I took home my report card with a great sense of accomplishment only for Mum to burst my bubble with her comment, “Why are you happy? Those in 1st, 2nd and 3rd positions, do they have more than 1 head? Don’t you know those who come 4th don’t amount to anything in life?”
I felt weak on the inside. When would my mum be pleased with me? Was I even her daughter? Was God going to sit there and watch while she frustrated me? There and then I made up my mind to give up on trying to please her and doing things that were right by God. After all, He watched while my mother broke me repeatedly. There was only so much a poor little girl could take. At that point I turned to God and was like, “You have all the power in the world and created the world in 7 days and you sit there, cross your arms and watch this little girl who had no clue of what was going on when she was been conceived go through all of this? Since you cannot do anything to help me, I’m just going to leave you and go do my thing.” I didn’t think God loved me or cared much for me. I started to rebel and went out of my way to do things I shouldn’t be doing as I had concluded that God was not there, or at least not for me. As time went on I sought for acceptance, attention and approval from everyone & anything (boys, school, doing stuff that would get me punished etc.)
I made it into one the federal universities and for me it was finally an opportunity to be away from home. I continued with my carefree lifestyle even though I attended fellowships in school. I was a ‘Martharian’. (Like Martha in the Bible, I was devoted to service and not really interested in the message or word of God.) I was the kind of person that would make sure everything in church went on smoothly. I felt I had to work endlessly to gain God’s approval. I felt the need to work for God to earn anything from him at all. If my earthly parents didn’t love me, I wasn’t expecting much of God either. At the time, I never thought it possible for God to love me better that my parents did. I had to keep reminding myself of what the Bible said – that God loves me and he wants to do immeasurably more than I can imagine.
I’m thankful that at some point in my life, I came to experience His unconditional love for me. I had held my Mum’s actions against her all these years, but God helped me to forgive her. I later found out that her hostility towards me had nothing to do with me and I don’t blame her anymore.
I want to encourage someone out there who’s struggling with finding and accepting God’s love because people you expect to love you haven’t loved you. You see God’s love the same way. God’s love is not like that. He would do anything for you.
God’s love endures forever and without a shred of doubt I can tell you that he loves you just as much as he loves me.
PS: If you would like to meet the God Rolake spoke about, please go here.
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