Love Overcame Grief
Chinenye is a simple and cheery young woman. She shares her God Experience with us:
I grew up in a Christian family, which meant having to be at morning devotions. Mother was an usher in an orthodox church and so I dared not get to church late. She always stood by the “western door”.
My first experience with God was in an open air crusade as a child in the ‘90s. (Of course my mum forced me to attend.) The preacher spoke about the parable of the lost sheep and I ended up dedicating my life to Christ. This was an exercise I repeated severally over time until my Dad told me it was meant to be a one-time thing and that I’d have to trust God to help me live for him afterwards. I tried to build a relationship with God and would accompany my mum to church. She taught me everything I know about God.
Fast-forward to February 2010. I was in my final year in University preparing for my exams. Contrary to my mum’s tradition of calling me before my first paper; I did not get a call from her. I was a bit surprised so I called her line but it was switched off and then I called my Dad, only for him to say he had travelled. Later that day, I still tried to reach her without success and over the next few days my Dad was evasive anytime I asked about her. The morning of my second paper, days later, I got a text message from one of my friends expressing his condolence over the death of my mum. I was like, “this guy is joking.” So I called him to ask what was up. He said he’d heard my mum had died and I immediately told him it couldn’t be my mum. When he noticed I had no idea what had happened, he apologized and got off the phone.
As I wrote my exams, I burst into tears and quickly submitted my papers when I noticed they were soaked in tears. My heart was broken, my spirit grieved and my soul, wounded. At that moment, I saw God as a cruel being that did not love me and obviously did not care about me for letting my mum die during my degree exams. After all, he knew what she meant to me and did nothing. I decided I was done with him and everything that had to do with him. I cut off from church and my Pastors. I saw every believer I knew as a co-conspirator with God to take my mum from me.
When you are that hurt, you begin to seek for solutions elsewhere and so I read many spiritual books. I had questions no one could answer, not even my dad. I understood because he was grieving too. Perhaps, if I had a forum in church where I could freely ask questions, it would have helped.
In July 2011, I went for national youth service and I made up my mind that there’d be no God activity. However, I somehow found myself at a program where the minister was talking about ‘’Staying Angry with God’’. He talked about God having the full puzzle while we only have a piece. I started to cry because I had gotten to a point where I couldn’t get a solution. I was reading books but yet I got nothing. I figured that I was better off with God than where I was at the moment. I broke down in desperation, weeping, and re-dedicated my life to God.
Has it been easy since then? No. In 2013 something else happened but by then I’d learnt that God knows everything and even though I don’t understand what is happening, I can never doubt His undying love for me. He’s been faithful, great and kind to me. I’ve learnt to love and trust him more ‘cause he first loved me and he still loves me.
I don’t know if the circumstances of my 2010 are happening to you right now and you feel like all hope is lost. Perhaps it seems like God doesn’t have the answers. Maybe you’re trying other solutions. All I can say is, “God has all the answers and in the fullness of time, he will make everything beautiful for you. Stick with him.”
If you would like to meet the God Chinenye spoke about, please go here.
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